Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
