yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have fence marks all over my body
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
