I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
