i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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