I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
