Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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