drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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