Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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