I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
