Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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