So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
