Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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