I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
