im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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