Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
