just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We're too hungover to prance.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
