Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
