I accidentally had phone sex last night
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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