First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
