Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
