she sounds like chewbacca in bed
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
