hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
