i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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