Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Drunk is not a location!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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