I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
