Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
