I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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