My liver just broke up with me...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
