Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
