i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
