By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
