I cannot find my penis.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
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