if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
