your parents love me but you hate me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
