Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
