Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
