I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
