seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
