he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
