apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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