Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
