My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
