I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
