if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
