I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
