I met the friendliest cop last night
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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