Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
