Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
