Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
