i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
