i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Vodka?
Forever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
