2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
