Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
